....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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