I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
