I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
