she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
