My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
