just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
