Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
