so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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