i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
