Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
