3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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