it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
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If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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