Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
