im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
