Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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