Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
