Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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