You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
