What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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