True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
