I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you had me at cake vodka
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
