nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
