I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
