I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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