I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
