that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
