3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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