Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
