I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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