bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you're hired as official boob wrangler
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
