your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
