do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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