Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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