I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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