Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
