the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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