I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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