did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
