I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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