Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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