they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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