Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
