How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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