Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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