My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
