That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
