I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
