By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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