I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
