I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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