I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
