found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
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At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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