i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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