so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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