I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
