do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
