separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
