wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
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He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
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Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize