I think my fart just growled at me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
